We’ve all seen it: That chart from Al Gore’s movie and book that shows a correlation between CO2 levels and temperatures. (Actually, there is up to an 800-year lag between CO2 rise and temperature rise -- and, most importantly, it’s the temperature that rises first. If there actually is a correlation, the GW alarmists got it reversed: Rising temperatures is what drives rising CO2, not the other way around! Gore doesn’t reveal the lag because he never zooms in close enough on these graphs that span several hundred thousand years.)
In any case, for kicks let’s take Gore’s word for it and assume the correlation exists, lag or no lag. This humorous post, from the blog House of Erotasthenes, follows Gore’s assumption to its logical conclusion:
Thirty Things I’d Like Blamed For Global Warming
... Indeed, presented on some of the charts, the curves do seem to line up very much ... Reverend Al, therefore, presumes that correlation must be causation. And we’re told “The Science Is Settled!” It is a curious situation, since scientists like to talk about correlation NOT being causation. Reverend Al’s theory is based on this — where are the scientists rushing out of the woodwork to rap him across the knuckles? His theory is based on the idea that correlation is causation — and on nothing else.
But Reverend Al has spoken. So if two curved lines match up, it must mean something. Can I interject something here? If that is the litmus test, I have a few things I’d like checked out. It’s pretty important. Reverend Al has told us our planet is withering away and may not be able to support life in a generation or two. I see correlation. Going by his logic, that must mean causation. Thirty times, I see it. Using Reverend Al’s science. So let’s look into it ...
Here are my favorite examples of the 30 listed:
1. Illegal immigration I’m told we have seventeen million illegal immigrants now, and just a few years ago it was less than ten million. That’s a doubling. It’s a doubling over exactly the same time frame that global warming is supposed to have skyrocketed. Correlation, suddenly, is causation, so I see a cause.
3. Reality television shows They got going, as the temperature went up. Now we’re up to our ears in reality television shows, and the temperature is through the roof. There’s no sign of a slowdown in either case. Check out a possible connection, I say.
4. White kids learning how to rap That was a 1990’s thing, wasn’t it? That’s when the temperature took off like a rocket. That’s when records were being set.
8. iPods It’s a little bit behind the curve, but it could be worth checking out. After all, they’re everywhere today, and we’re terrified of what global warming’s gonna do to us.
9. The phrase “illegal and unjust war” repeated over and over again I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out the mean global temperature went up a hundredth of a degree, every time this stupid phrase was uttered. I’m sure the charts and graphs will bear this out to Reverend Al’s liking.
10. Cell phone conversations that don’t really need to happen. Could ya pick up some milk…what’re you doing…dude, you wouldn’t believe how much this movie sucks.
Back when those conversations just plain didn’t happen…global warming was, also, just plain not happening. I see a connection.
14. Kids being diagnosed with exotic new learning disabilities The 4A’s: Autism, Aspergers, ADHD and Allergies. Is anybody keeping track of how often these things are diagnosed? And the skyrocketing is almost perfectly parallel with the global warming thing…in a way that would make Reverend Al proud.
16. Fraudulent Voting Illegal aliens. Dead people. People who live in different counties. I don’t know if the illegitimate voting is on an upswing, but the accusations of it certainly are…and where there’s smoke there must be fire. Earth’s temperature is supposed to be up. Hmm. Seems irresponsible to ignore this possible connection.
20. Hate crime legislation Perhaps global warming is God’s way of punishing us for making it our business what our fellow man is thinking…between his left ear…and his right ear. It’s none of our business. When we meddle where we don’t belong, nature has ways to retaliate. And Al Gore should like the theory just fine, because hey, the lines fit.
21. Pants that droop and show off your butt crack Another nineties fad. Except this one stuck around, and stuck around, and stuck around some more. Global temperature was sent sky-high. Cause. Effect.
23. Barbra Streisand “final” and “going away” concerts She keeps doing it. More and more often, it seems…during which time, the planet is being put in danger.
25. Hollywood making crappy anti-war anti-American movies They do it without even thinking about it, now. It doesn’t matter if the last one they did, made any money or not (and by the way, they never do).
26. The Macarena It came and went in 1996, didn’t it? Look at that graph. Find 1996. Tell me you don’t see something.
28. Oprah Winfrey recommending books to people She keeps doing it, over and over again. And the global temperature keeps rising.
29. Goatees Used to be, you only saw one once in awhile. By the time we had our “warmest years on record,” if you tuned into the American Country Music awards, you saw a room full of what looked like a hundred guys all trying to look exactly like each other. Big-ass belt buckle…big-ass cowboy hat…big-ass boots…silly looking facial hair, looked like they’d been bobbing for apples in chocolate syrup, and then kissing feather pillows turned inside out. Silly. Three things classically American, coupled with one thing from 17th-century France. Who in the world decided these go together?
And the earth got hotter.
I posted a comment on this blog post and suggested two additions:
(1) Viagra went on the market in 1998, the so-called year of record high temps. What if boners caused global warming??? I could just see it now: Buy Viagra, swipe your carbon ration card!
(2) Harry Potter madness started with book #1 being released in 1998. I say we take J.K. Rowling out back and wack ‘er.
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